Important: Read this before proceeding
A process of forgiveness allowed me to let go of the abuser and walk away clear. The final step was facing my abuser, and because of forgiveness, I was able to speak my truth, confront with inner-strength and walk away without shame or vengeance. But it took some work before the process of forgiveness could begin. How nice of you to inform them of what they want. What would they have done without you and your informing them of them of what they want? Oh, nothing victims love more than being told how they want to feel or should feel.
What a pompous assertion that victims just really want to forgive. Some might want to forgive, some have no desire. You are simply making your personal preference the expected desire for all victims..
- The History of Painting in Italy, Vol. V (of 6)!
- My Hitch in Hell: The Bataan Death March (Memories of War).
- Why I Don't Use the Word 'Forgiveness' in Trauma Therapy!
- What Is It? A Young Readers Guide to Reptiles (What Is It? A Young Readers Guide Book 18).
- Forgiveness Quotes.
People can have happy, unhindered lives without giving excuses or forgiveness to their abusers. I wish therapists would stop acting like thinking about a bad thing that happened with bad emotions makes a person unhealthy. When a person thinks about being raped, or beaten, or a horrible car accident — they should have bad feelings. They should not be unburdened or unscared by things which happen.
They are human beings. Demanding people forgive is really to make other people comfortable. No, this forgiveness expectation is about everyone around the victim, not the victim.
Forgiveness Is Not An Option: A Journey to Freedom and Healing - Anna McCarthy - Google книги
I applaud anyone who is brave enough to go through this experience and who ca somehow find the strength to come through the other side stronger than before. Awesome piece! Thanks for reminding us all that this is not necessary, that we can heal without giving that. It means a lot to me that an expert agrees with how I feel. In reality, it feels really good to have cleansed my world of the people who almost ruined me. Thanks for saying u dont need to forgive THe persons who did what they did to me has no regret or sorry bout anything so why the hell should I forgive them.
Telling me I have to forgive is putting the burden on me. The burden belongs only to the abuser. There is no action needed on my part except to survive, live, thrive on my terms. You put accountablility on the map for those three beings and by that it gave me the option to take another road and not have to look back anymore as that offensive burden was not mine in the first place it belongs to them exclusively, I never ordered up their abuse.
I am freed and you have opened my door to thrive on without ever having to struggle with their past. I know that for years the theory was that to be able to get past the traumatic events that you have dealt with then you must be able to forgive and forget. They want respect and forgiveness? Then they better show you that they are worth it. For me the word was acceptance.
In essence, giving them the power over me, again. Forgiveness became a huge burden. I just have to add my 2 cents. I have struggled with this word for so long. I use to feel guilty or that something was wrong with me because I knew how wrong my parents were and they showed no remorse and i could not forgive.
I was told in 12 step groups,in treatment centers, and by religion that I needed forgive. I was stuck. So…I agree with letting go. It is as if the sun is now allowed to shine!
The Borris Dynamics Blog
I need help with how I feel, not be told over and over that i must excuse what they did. It just means you stop hating them for it. Its not something you do for them. If you keep hate in your heart you allow your abuser to continue to harm you ongoing after the actual abuse has stopped because hate prevents peace. You are going to feel anger at them and thats ok hate may be there for a time and how ever long it takes you its ok it doesnt make you bad its a normal response to pain.
You dont forgive because you have to forgive to be a good person, you forgive because by letting go of the hate you heal and are able to find peace. Thats the process of letting go, moving on from anger and hatred to peace and freedom. Not to give them a free pass on the wrong they did, but to give you a free pass to live beyond it. Hi Bonnie, I entirely agree with you, but I ask: How can we truly forgive?
Why are bad feelings the enemy? Even if the fire of anger burns all day, it does not have to ruin your life. In fact, it is absolutely necessary to experience a good life. When a victim avoids being angry at the person who hurt them, the burden of responsibility lands on the victim.
- God's Master Key | Ellel Ministries UK;
- Forgiveness is Not an Option | Anna McCarthy | Christian Counseling;
- Security Consulting Business.
- New Suburban Stories (Bloomsbury Studies in the City)?
- Tariffs, Blockades, and Inflation: The Economics of the Civil War (The American Crisis Series: Books on the Civil War Era)!
It results in depression, or self loathing, or shame or thinking they deserve it. That happens because at some point, someone put the burden of the trauma on them or made them think they were worthless. They believed they were not allowed to be angry.
Exploring the Power of Forgiveness
Even if they experience depression about their trauma, that is reasonable. The reality is that we live in a society where victims are blamed. Their actual stock does go down in society. The Stanford rapist is still called the Standford Swimmer. The school changed their drinking policy — an act of blaming the victim for being drunk. Jada poses are a real thing. Most victims of any trauma are blamed for their trauma.
Learning to deal with those realities brings them out of depression — not telling them they are wrong for being depressed. People actually should have bad feelings about bad things. The forgiveness burden is so people around the victim feel better, not the victim. It is a demand that victims ignore reality so someone else feels better. No, forgiveness is not a gift one gives themselves because bad feelings are not life ruining. Stop making victims responsible for your feelings and responsible to ignore reality to make you feel better.
I agree with most of this. The probleI have with the main article is that forgiveness is not something you can just decide to do. It is also not something you can neglect to do and be do signed with something painful that was done to you. So what is the way out of this?
Over years of both personal and clinical work, I have come to see forgiveness a little differently. The orinary issue is the unresolved anger. Most people do not do the deep work to exhaust out all of the anger that was evoked by a trauma. If you exoress it deeply enough and repeat it enough, you will finish it. At the end of the anger, you may find that a spontaneous feeling arises in the heart.
We call it forgiveness. It is not something you decide, it is a spontaneous feeling that arises when you get to the very end of the anger.
Those who have not experienced this need to working on and processing the anger. If you do, you will find that you can finish it. This is only important because it means you are finished with the trauma.
That may take years, and it may take doing sone deeper work such as breathwork or bodywork to release the deepy held pain and anger. As someone who is wrestling with the aftermath of prolonged torture at the hands of a family member starting at a young age, I find myself weeping out loud. I wish I had a trauma specialist like you near my village.
The hurt and damage is so bad,I struggle with even the thought of forgiving. I have let it go!!! What you are saying, is the exact opposite of what this article was about. Sometimes that forgiveness is an emotional burden to the victim. I suffered abuse as a very young child, and because of my inborn anxiety and other factors, I developed an enormous psychological wound, in particular ending up hating and blaming myself. I need to forgive myself and have made progress doing so.
To me, this means letting go of blame and anger that is directed toward myself. Yet because I blamed myself so cruelly, it really is the right word. To let go of blame and anger toward myself is a giant step that has required much healing and maturity to reach. I am almost there. At the same time I am in the process of forgiving myself, I find myself forgiving my parents for the role they played in amplifying my trauma.
Related Forgiveness is Not an Option: A Journey to Freedom and Healing
Copyright 2019 - All Right Reserved